For my love of life… and death.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life? ”

-Rumi

Gustav Klimt - Death and Life
Gustav Klimt – Death and Life

I’m sitting on my balcony, enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the Blue Foundation tracks playing in the background.  I’m trying to focus on work but my mind keeps drifting away to the several discussions I have had these past couple of weeks on life and death.

A dear friend of mine has lost someone she cares for recently and I tried to find the words to help her feel better but I could not.  I blurted out a couple of foolish things and I spent most of the time remembering my best friend who died over 11 years ago in the same horrifying manner.

When my best friend died, I was 21 … she was 22. It must have been the most difficult thing I ever had to endure.  It was shocking and I couldn’t wrap my head around why this had to happen.  My coping mechanism was a lot different in those days.  I did not think about it or about her but lived in denial for a few months not providing myself with a moment of peace or silence so I did not have to think.  I was out and about and would not get home or to bed until I was certain that the instant I put my head on my pillow, I would fall asleep.

My friend left a mark on me when she left.  I woke up from that numb state I was in and started living life to its fullest and enjoying every moment I can get albeit there were times when I went numb again and had to revive myself.

Anyone who knows me, know how much I love life and how I’m always greedy for more… to see more, to do more, to feel more.  I could live to 200 and still feel like that … but here’s the thing, every since I was a teenager, I always had a feeling I was going to die young and I’ve made peace with that thought.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal or anything, nor would I place myself in death’s path but if I die today, I’m ok with that. My life has been full of love and I don’t hold a grudge for anyone… I just feel at peace.  In fact, if I die today, I do not want my funeral to be a morbid funeral but more of a farewell party celebrating the life I had with each and everyone one of you.

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One thought on “For my love of life… and death.”

  1. You’re right about the effect of someone’s death on others. I can’t say I had the same experience but I met someone once who had cancer and her life changed forever. She suddenly realized the worth of every moment and started to take advantage of every minute she’s got alive. You just reminded me of her while reading you.

    Death is not something I am comfortable discussing; I usually try to steer away from the subject. I did read all your post though, out of curiosity 😉 The thought of losing some people in my life is enough on its own to make me gasp for oxygen. Literally!

    The most interesting side of it all is when I think of my own death. The only image I see are my loved ones post my death and I go ‘shit I can’t do this to them’ ‘I can’t do this to mom’ etc.

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