Category Archives: Life

Trust The Universe

Last time, I shared that as life gets better, my fragility increases and my fear intensifies. I was concerned about the rogue wave crashing down and wiping away all that has been done.

Thinking strategically about our lives tends to reduce anxiety, yet, our carefully laid plans can also often bring us stress, anxiety, and sometimes even depression.

When the unexpected happens in our lives, unforeseen circumstances feel like tremors beneath our carefully built scaffolding, causing it to tremble as the ground starts to shift.

We forget so easily… Oh, how we forget!

I had forgotten that I had given up control before.  I trusted the universe and let go. It was when I let go, that the universe opened up to me, and gave me more than I ever would have planned for myself.

We move through our lives with accuracy and diligence, as we were trained to do. We tend to forget that more often than not, all we can control is ourselves.

Today, I remind myself, that the next time it feels like the world beneath my feet is swept away, to trust the universe and just let go.

 

 

 

 

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Riding the Rogue Wave

I no longer am floating in a peaceful sea. I got caught by a rogue wave and have been riding it since. This monstrous and powerful wave that was caused by several reinforced smaller waves, has been taking me to heights I never thought possible, making me feel invincible.

The universe has been working for me. All the pieces are finally falling in place to my benefit, overwhelming me with the glorious feeling of grandiose. When did life get so good?

As life gets better, my fragility increases and my fear intensifies. What if this rogue wave crashes down wiping away all that has been done? I weather through storms hanging on to life. I’m not done yet. I’m not ready to let go yet. I’ve come so far. I’ve got so much more left to do…

 

 

I’m bipolar. So What?

 

Around 5 months ago, I was on the phone with mom and she told me that my brother and her were having a conversation about me and think I should check to see if I was bipolar.  This caught me by surprise.  They had met someone who was recently diagnosed and their symptoms were similar to mine she said. I shut the phone and got online to start reading about bipolarity.  I did seem to have the symptoms but some seemed too excessive.  The thought of being bipolar freaked me out because it made me reevaluate my entire life, every decision I made, every relationship I had, and every work experience I had. It even made me reevaluate every piece I wrote and the thought process behind it. Did I do everything I did because I am bipolar?! These thoughts freaked me out.

I did not rush to a psychiatrist. I ignored the discussion and decided to move on but I could not get it out of my mind. After a couple of more discussions, my brother convinced me to see a doctor. I booked an appointment and went in. During my session with the psychiatrist, I did most of the talking giving him a quick glimpse of my life. In his opinion, I had already been ‘shrinking’ myself for a few years which was good and I did seem to have some symptoms but I should see a psychologist regularly to get diagnosed.  He referred me to a psychologist who I did start seeing a couple times a week.

When I started seeing my psychologist, I went in feeling defeated and accepting of whatever the diagnosis would be however, when it was pretty clear that I am bipolar I started fighting off the idea and not accepting of it.  It was a stigma I could not accept.

There are several levels of bipolarity and I am in the soft level so my symptoms/ mood swings are not extreme. I also had a discussion with my doctors during the early stages that I would rather avoid going on medication.  We spent 3 months of intensive therapy during which I learnt more about bipolarity and through experiences I learnt what would trigger my mood swings.  I also learnt that I am also both ADD and OCD which is an interesting and unusual mix.  Together, we made some lifestyle modifications to ensure better mood stability.

Since I was questioning every move I made in my life wondering if it was due to bipolarity, we dissected every relationship I had, every job I held, every big decision I made and came to the conclusion that they weren’t due to bipolarity.  I was relieved. This often is not the case with people who have bipolar, but since I was self-aware of my mood swings, I always had made a point that they do not affect my relationships or major life decisions.

In reality, being both bipolar and OCD helped me achieve so much in my life. During my mania stages, which I seem to have a lot more than depressive states, I tend to be creative and ideas just pop out all over the place. My OCD forces me to complete those ideas with perfection.  I don’t look at my bipolarity as a disorder but more as a secret super power especially now that I am aware of it and have it controlled.  With my lifestyle modifications and a structured life, I now know when to throw on my bipolarity cape when I am at work and have the creative juices come out.

The reason I am writing this post, is that during the past few months I have had several discussions on the topic and the reactions I have been getting have been shocking.  There obviously isn’t much understanding of bipolarity in our society and I can’t blame anyone since 6 months ago, I did not know much about it either.  I even was hesitant to write about it because of the stigma around it and was worried about how I would be perceived.

Being bipolar does not change who I am.  My bipolarity does not even affect most people, it’s major effect is on myself.  I am the person who has the brain that is on constant over drive with emotions constantly pouring out.  I can go on and link to a list of some of the world’s most successful and most creative people who are bipolar but really though, what would the point of that be?

If you are bipolar, I want you to know that you are not alone and I am around if you would like to discuss it.

 

Excuse me while I float in a peaceful sea

He was stunned when I told him I currently do not have any future goals or plans. He stated that I’m not ambitious and that an intelligent person as myself should not just be floating around life aimlessly. I looked at him and smiled, for how could he understand?

How could he understand that for over a decade I was constantly swimming against a tidal wave in the midst of the perfect storm?

How could he understand that for that entire period, I hated bedtime because my dreams exhausted me?

How could he understand that for the longest time, people used me as an example of what ‘bad luck’ is when they tried to console others?

How could he understand that my own dad consoled my brother by telling him that his ‘strong’ sister was constantly aching, in pain, and disappointed?

How could he understand that when I used to dance the night away, I used to dance to forget and vent out?

How could he understand?

Excuse me,

Excuse me while I dance feeling free as if I’ve torn the bandage off,

Excuse me while I shine my happiness onto others,

Excuse me while I forget what pain and disappointment feels like,

Excuse me while I feel blessed for getting a long good night’s sleep,

Excuse me while I appreciate this rare period of peace in my life,

Excuse me while I float in a peaceful sea.

 

The Importance of Trying New Things

Ever since I was in high school, I have been creating 5 year plans, which I’d revise according to new circumstances or opportunities. I was a total control freak. I simply liked to envision what my life could possible look like in the future. “Knowing” what the future held for me always made me feel more at ease and a lot more confident.

A few months ago, I found myself without a plan and clueless about where I wanted to head to or what I wanted to do next. Naturally, the control freak in me hit the panic button but I soon realized how liberating this was.  I also remembered that I promised myself to hit the cruise control button this year. 

I am simply floating around aimlessly, waiting for something to appeal to my senses so I’d head in its direction. Continue reading The Importance of Trying New Things

The dark cloud is gone

A revelation:  My life has changed.

During the past few months, I’ve been out there socializing, developing existing bonds and I have met interesting characters that may develop into new friendships. These outings were a way for me to go out there to keep myself busy and entertained but I have become grateful to those chat sessions.

I find myself continuously revising the story about myself when I meet people.  The more I communicate, the more present I feel and understand that the dark cloud that has been hanging over my head for years is no longer there.  It’s been difficult to accept the cloud has passed and I convince myself it’s still there. BUT it’s gone. The circumstances in my life have changed.

For years I have been harboring scars from the time of the dark cloud and I’ve been living with my guards up. The wounds no longer sting like they used to. Feeling present, revising my story, living the moment have reminded me of all that is out there.  I feel rejuvenated and liberated.

The dark cloud is gone.

 

Fear has taken over my life

It suddenly felt like someone threw a bucket of freezing water on my head.

There I was, drinking and smoking in front of one of the drinking holes in Beirut, whilst chatting with a young lady whom I had just met 10 minutes earlier. I don’t even remember her name. This complete stranger said something so profound that it resonated in me and is the trigger to many of the adventures I’m about to partake in.

I’ve always taken pride in myself for being a risk taker, but it’s suddenly become apparent that I really have never taken a genuine risk in my life. I’m so filled with fear that I’ve never really attempted to do anything I’ve dreamed of achieving.

Continue reading Fear has taken over my life